I began writing a poem today about “home” and it made me question everything I’ve ever thought about home. Before I left for Spokane, I couldn’t wait to get out of Milwaukee. There were so many things going wrong and so many things changing not only in my life, but in everyone’s life around me. Friends were getting jobs, graduating college, dropping out of college… the way I was living my life just wouldn’t fit anymore. The day after graduation I was pushed blindly into the “adult world” I had avoided for so long. The past four years in college I thought would last forever, and I never thought past graduation, really, except for those dreams I’ve always had about being a writer. The freedom, the friendship, and knowing that home was only a half hour away always settled my mind. No matter how hard I dreamed, knowing that the future wasn’t here yet always brought me back to earth, and I liked it. But now I find myself halfway across the country and I didn’t know how strong I was until this moment, right now, today, in my life. (Cigarettes and coffee has fueled my sanity today as well).
Perhaps this uprooting is a good thing for me. Relying on something else, like the house I grew up in, to settle my mind and my nerves is never healthy, and it never was. I now realize I only have myself and my memories to bring me back home, and home isn’t a place, but it’s the people who made it feel safe. And yet, I can’t wait to go back to Milwaukee in a few weeks.
I think the only thing that could make this day better would be a little rain. I would kill for some rain to wash away all the preconceptions I had about home.
“I’ll keep your dreams, you pay attention for me.” – “Congratulations” MGMT